I've been out of the game for some time. A long time. It wasn't until a few people recently asked me why I stopped blogging that I even realised I lost touch with writing. I wasn't aware that people followed my moves, cared about my thoughts, I never assumed I was of particular interest to anybody.
Post break up blues left me feeling totally lost. Moulding myself in to a persona I believed to be worthy of only you left me completely isolated within myself and learning to be alone in a world with you no longer in it deemed almost unfathomable. Nine years of life in standstill, I went incognito, I became irrelevant. Following the foot steps in the paths you were taking, stuck in your 2.0 beige shaded dreams, I never for a moment stopped to think which direction I wanted to take mine in. Living in dreams, I became a total stranger to myself, I lost myself totally and utterly in you. I think in love, it is easy to become disillusioned, to wear those rose tinted glasses so tightly that you loose sight so easily, so frequently. We live in a society where we are consistently thrown shade if we class ourselves as single that it is no wonder we as individuals feel so compelled to give in to 'finding that perfect somebody'. Being backed in to a corner and forced in to a situation, by my own doing, that at the time I couldn't comprehend being a possibility felt fated, it was long awaited. I was once quoted 'There is no such thing as the past as it is all a memory. There is no such thing as the future as it is all your imagination" and that's exactly what I did. I let my imagination run away with itself because it was so much easier than facing the truth, facing the fact I had lost myself, I was a puppet, your puppet, that occasionally you wanted to play with. It's fucking embarrassing and for the life of me I have no idea why I was so scared of breaking away, now I question the very reason I didn't do it sooner.
I also realised it was almost taboo to talk about feeling depressed or down in the slightest, it leaves you in an incredibly isolating place. I guess this is partially my reasoning to start up writing again, I became very aware that people have become so obsessed with portraying this perfect picture image when it comes to online presence that from an outsiders perspective is so compellingly cruel, it's so fake, it's so ugly. The majority of my friends are miserable most of the time, totally lost and in fact we are all in very similar situations, so why not have something relatable? I am not interested in the fact your twenty have had your tits done and have fillers in every place imaginable, I am interested in the fact your raw, your real and that to you, I can relate.
This is a journey of me finding myself again and I don't know where I am going because I have never been but I know in order to get there I have to stick this out and that very much means no more you & I. No more running off and never ever letting myself get lost in you again. My past stays in the past and I forever want it to remain there. You are now my only ghost.
I also realised it was almost taboo to talk about feeling depressed or down in the slightest, it leaves you in an incredibly isolating place. I guess this is partially my reasoning to start up writing again, I became very aware that people have become so obsessed with portraying this perfect picture image when it comes to online presence that from an outsiders perspective is so compellingly cruel, it's so fake, it's so ugly. The majority of my friends are miserable most of the time, totally lost and in fact we are all in very similar situations, so why not have something relatable? I am not interested in the fact your twenty have had your tits done and have fillers in every place imaginable, I am interested in the fact your raw, your real and that to you, I can relate.
This is a journey of me finding myself again and I don't know where I am going because I have never been but I know in order to get there I have to stick this out and that very much means no more you & I. No more running off and never ever letting myself get lost in you again. My past stays in the past and I forever want it to remain there. You are now my only ghost.
So here I am, here it is. Fuck, this is kinda terrifying.