FEBRUARY 2016
Things I learned in February:
1. Being open to the idea is scary but so is the thought of being alone forever.
2. Ringing your ex back after three bottles of wine and four sleeping pills is truly a terrible idea.
3. Becoming dependent on sleeping pills is an even worse idea.
4. Drinking will make you more anxious, stop it, quit it, be done with it.
5. Drinking ten cups of coffee a day will make you incredibly dehydrated, this is probably why you are sick all of the time.
1. Being open to the idea is scary but so is the thought of being alone forever.
2. Ringing your ex back after three bottles of wine and four sleeping pills is truly a terrible idea.
3. Becoming dependent on sleeping pills is an even worse idea.
4. Drinking will make you more anxious, stop it, quit it, be done with it.
5. Drinking ten cups of coffee a day will make you incredibly dehydrated, this is probably why you are sick all of the time.
6. When your best friend tells you they plan on getting married this year, it will send you in to a frenzy but that's okay that's not what this year is about for you. You don't want that. You had that, broke it off and ran a mile. So be happy for them but remind yourself that's their plan and their path. That does not need to implement any distraction to yours. Your doing good. Your doing it. You just need to remind yourself of that from time to time.
7. Your turning 25 this year. Your fucked. This quarter life crisis will hit you hard.
8. Flying with friends sick as a dog sucks, big time.
7. Your turning 25 this year. Your fucked. This quarter life crisis will hit you hard.
8. Flying with friends sick as a dog sucks, big time.
February was fucking weird for me. I hit this big time realisation of 'ohhhhh fuck man I am turning 25 this year'. I went through a whole bout of self loathing and became truly disgusting in my approach and outlook of life. I was fucking glad I made that beautiful decision to delete my Facebook the month before because I sure as shit would of been posting a series of whiney statuses trying to clutch at how many likes and comments would validate my self worth. I went into total panic mode over February 14th but luckily my Grandmama was down who is pretty much the biggest babe of my life and one of my favourite people on this planet. (Which is some going since I pretty much hate everyone, extended family highly included). However after deciding to eat something ridiculous like eight courses & finishing off everybodies elses meal -( I wish I was the type of person who when depressed gags at the thought of food but no. Fill me up fatty. Any dish will do. Gross, I know. Still now March 20th - I am regretting every god damn mouth full. So easy to gain, so fucking tricky to loose. Anyway whatever, I really don't want to whine about how fat I got, I certainly don't want to think about it anymore than I have to.) Blah blah blah back to the point. I had eaten everything in sight. I started on the wine. I hadn't really drunk in a while, I established I feel like a terrible person when I drink, I established that it fucks with my anxiety so bad, I established I wanted to get back on track with my business, with my career so I took the logical approach and kinda quit drinking. So yeah I got drunk, real fucking drunk, I went dancing with my Grandmama, Momma & Pops whilst watching some band at the local pub. I felt like everything was super fucking beautiful. I felt like I wanted someone to film three generations dancing, being super happy and all in love. I love these 'creative' ideas you get when super fucked up. No really, I do. So we get home and I literally just want to die. The fact I felt happy in my home town, this town I raced away from for so many years, the town that was okay to visit but thank fuck I didn't live there, the town I resented so badly, felt so foreign to me. I keep battling with myself that I feel like a total fucking loser that after all these years of not living home, I'm back but it's my business and my career that has bought me back. They have also bought me alot of happiness, another thing that has felt so absent, so foreign to me. So I am freaking the fuck out and I think okay, my ex left me some fucking crazy voicemail the other night that I chose to ignore and give zero response to now is definitely the right time to return that call. (NB to Jodies' brain - your a fucking fool). Anyway he doesn't fucking answer or whatever, thankyou!!! Someone was seriously looking out for me there! But this kinda sends me over the edge, I am being gross and needy and I just need some reassurance that I am not going to be alone forever, I am not a total fuck up, I am not totally failing at life. FUUUUUUCK why the fuck do I have to be turning 25 this year?! Okay so, I don't know why I am being so open with this blog, at the moment it's kinda just for me, I am not advertising it anywhere but I remember when I was deeeeeeeeeeep in to my depression I wanted so badly just to read someone else's journey, not feel alone I guess. So maybe someone will stumble across this one day and it will help them. I don't know, it's helping me to write it and thats pretty much the main thing right? Plus I am super fucking honest, so at least your always gonna know where you stand with me and if you don't like it that's cool, bye, you know where the door is. So yeah this bit is kinda dark but my anxiety was crippling me in February and I wasn't getting any sleep so I kinda accidentally got hooked on Temazepam, which was actually kinda fun and you know what I was finally fucking sleeping. So I took a few too many because I felt so shitty and I just wanted to instantly pass out, the last thing I wanted was to be awake and alone with those thoughts. I had no intention of wanting to die or anything like that, I simply wanted to sleep. So yeah that was pretty dumb, hats off to my dumb ass drunk brain but hey, I survived, I'm still here, it just highlighted to me even more so that whilst I am quite clearly an emotional post break up wreck I cannot drink.
There was also a very pivotal moment that broke my heart and totally shook me up in February. I almost lost my best friend, she got real fucking sick and for a little time it was questionable whether she was going to pull through. We've been super tight for like fifteen years, she's pretty much the other half of me, her family are like my family, that kinda thing and then it was all like fuck she may not be here much longer and I seriously couldn't fathom my life without her. So this fucked me up big time, the reason I should probably mention that she was sick was lifestyle choice, we were little degenerates when we were younger. I would of fucking hated to have myself as a child. We just didn't particularly give a fuck about anything other than having fun and being complete lairy tearaways, we were warned for years that one day it was all gonna catch up, which of course we laughed in the face of anyone issuing this warning. Now it was real, it wasn't a laugh, it was happening. Not that I am heavily in to anything anymore but it was a real wake up call to me, highlighting how unhappy I was and how being successful and working hard at that bought me real happiness. Not the bottom of a bottle or unknown substances leaving me unable to breathe or function for weeks on end.
So I put all my focus and energy back in to myself and into working. I started slowly feeling happy again. Life isn't so shitty after all. And then I went to Milan...
Milan was beautiful, it was lovely, it was sunny, my family originate from Italy and I'd still never visited so it was kinda special, I was with my best friend and you know everything was pretty great. Well my best friend (who is a couple of years younger than me - I don't know why age is suddenly so important to me but since hitting my twenties it became such a prominent issue) kinda announced that he will probably be marrying his boyfriend this year, or like if not this year relatively soon. I went in to a full blown frenzy, whaaaaaaat the fuck am I doing? Am I going to be alone forever? Should I have never have ended things with my ex? I was a total fucking mess. Like seriously a total mess. I've been on this whole kinda vibe of 'I'm single, I'll quite literally do, whoever, whatever, whenever, so strings, no emotion'. Friends - if your reading this I know that will have you screwfacing hard. See I just simply can't hook up with people. Well okay I can. I tried it and as I mentioned before it just doesn't work for me. Well okay it does sometimes. I don't know, I am undecided, I think largely, mostly it doesn't. So anyway yeah I was kinda in to this guy, well I didn't really get the chance to get to know him because he went away after I hung out with him like a very few mainly drunken times but I really fancied him. I even slept with him and really fancied him after, mostly I sleep with people and just feel sick and most probably cry at how gross I feel for days. So yeah I didn't cry and I didn't feel gross, I just fancied him but he went away and that was kinda that, so that sucked. So I got into this whole mentality (in large part thanks to my friends) of it's okay to have one night stands, it doesn't cheapen you, it's quite literally what everyone does nowadays, nobody does commitment anymore and that's kinda where I was at. Essentially I had joined the hook up culture I so coldly despised. Till this whole marriage freak out happened. Then during many carb filled discussions I came round to the idea I could probably date again, I could actually see myself wanting to like someone and not being completely freaked out because of my commitment phobia my ex had embedded into my self conscious. So I downloaded a dating app, gross I know but apparently this is the only way people actually find 'true love/true romance' in the now and I guess maybe I want in on that too? Hey if it worked for my asshole ex who is now supposedly, apparently engaged to some chick he met off Tinder it has gotta work for assholes like me too right? Anyway, I'm sure their will be an update in my next post of tragic Tinder tales...