JANUARY 2016
Things I learnt in January:
1. Picking up pills in the middle of the night in some sketchy ass park in Berlin will leave you unable to sleep for days and that's entirely your fault. You only have yourself to blame.
2. Kenny Powers is my total and utter wet dream but Mem you are more of a dream for introducing me to my idol. Thanks buddy, I'll be forever grateful.
3. Boys who text you in the middle of the night only want you in the middle of the night. Don't go there. Your setting yourself up for failure.
4. Telling your best friend your most probably totally in love with him is definitely a terrible idea. Hiding from it and avoiding all contact is even worse. You can't hide from it, your going to have a huge phone bill when you return home to remind you - enjoy that!
5. It's January, it's okay everybody is broke, fat & miserable. Don't worry we are all in this together.
6. Flying solo sick as a dog sucks. Big time.
6. Flying solo sick as a dog sucks. Big time.
So January was a weird one for me.
I was sick as a dog and still caught up in the fucking messy whirlwind I created for myself in December.
I should of known better that boys most definitely kiss and tell and I really should of known better than to hook up with the guy I am totally intos friend and expect him to still be into me after. Jodie, this is going to leave you feeling terrible and all for a meaningless fuck you can't recall a single second of ... it's self sabotage. Learn from this and don't ever do it again. Regardless of whether the guy your in to remotely gives any sort of a fuck toward you. This year is about you so don't make yourself feel cheap, shitty and unwanted. It's unnecessary.
This is an issue I have actually debated with many a people. Is it okay for a guy/girl to sleep with someone else when they are clearly wasted to the point of blackout? (And you the infiltrator/the fucker has still got a pretty level head sat on their shoulders?) or does that make you an asshole?
After the event took place I was playing a bit of a victim in this role due to my depths of regret. I would have never have even raised this as an issue had my friend (who weirdly enough I called ((I don't recall this either)) mid make out session to tell him what a terrible thing I was about to do) hadn't highlighted how fucked up it was. Seeing as how I was so fucked up an all...
I am totally aware that this could read very wrong so let me make it very clear, I fully consented to this, I was aware of what was going on but I was super fucking faded and 'drunk' Jodie had full grasp of my personality. Drunk Jodie / Sober Jodie are two very very different people and the point I am trying to raise is - is it really okay to sleep with someone when they are totally fucked up? You get super drunk, you hook up with someone you really shouldn't have but it's so unsafe. Who are you actually fucking? If they aren't as fucked up as you are, are they taking advantage? Because on some level it isn't really them? Or is it totally fine? I don't know, it's weird, it's something I have never thought about. Maybe because I haven't been 'properly' single for over eight years I just don't get how it works anymore, maybe this 'hook up' culture I've found myself surrounded by is totally normal. As you gotta take something and learn from each situation you put yourself in I come to the conclusion of this ... hooking up with people in the same friendship group is going to make you feel slutty, like a bad person so just don't do it. The anxiety I personally riddled myself with as an aftermath of this event was just so not worth it, especially when I felt like I could fuck things up with this other guy ever looking at me in anyway other than I am a total slut. Even though I am not by any means at all and you know what even if that is what I am into why is that so terrible anyway? Fuck I hate this hook up culture and the politics around it.
This is any issue I have debated alot between friends recently. (I mean obviously fucking the guy your really intos friend is really not all that acceptable but let's take that out of the equation. N.B I was drunk, therefor it wasn't actually me, therefor I am not an asshole right? Right cool.) (I am a shitty drunk, I do take responsibility of that.)
So I became single (as I have probably stated fifty billion fucking times over the two posts I have published so far) for the first time in over eight years around August / September last year. This transition was totally foreign to me and you know I have had a hard time adjusting to it - it's only now March 17th, I can sit here and say hey you know what I am totally cool with myself. Well not totally but I am a million times more comfortable with myself than I ever have been. So yeah anyway...
My friends kinda convinced me to start dating. I kinda got involved with someone for a few weeks that was totally fucked up, made me loose my shit, started fucking up my life hard, my beloved Sunday fundays became less fun and Mondays began to remind me of what an asshole I was becoming. Or maybe it was just highlighting what an asshole I am, whatever. It sucked it wasn't fun. It was also super fucking sucky when he dropped me from great heights (also something I was not used to) but I was assured this was all fine and so I began dating again.
After my first failed attempt of seeing someone my friends gave me a bit of a talking to. See despite having my ice queen exterior once you break me down I am super fucking romantic. I remember talking to my friend about my ex telling him I would rather lay dow in front of a train and die than be without him (one thing you'll get to know about me from reading my posts is that I am super fucking dramatic, it's fun, I love it, sometimes.) And he laughed telling me that was some Amy Winehouse kinda shit but yeah that's kinda how I get when I am in love. That's kinda how I am, none of this 'Hey, I can take it or leave it shit' (N.B friends if your reading this shhh. You know. You just know).
Anyway fuck, I am forever going off on a million tangents, sorry this is my brain and putting pen to paper maybe hard to follow so for this and any future posts, all apologies.
So my friends are telling me you know it's cool to hook up with guys, one night stands are no biggie, honestly everybodies doing it. Straight away in my mind alarm bells are ringing, see I am not the type to fuck and chuck, I like to be seeing someone you know? At least a little committed. I am also not one to follow the crowd, I really don't give a fuck if everyone is doing it, it just ain't my bag.
So guess what? Naturally I became a sheep, I followed the crowd, I did it, well at least I gave it ago and it made me feel fucking terrible. A couple of my friends kinda do this regularly and hats off to them, I am kinda envious you know, they fuck and chuck almost immediately. I gave it ago and ended up a nervous wreck biting my nails, wondering why they never text, forgetting the fact I refused to take down their number. But if that's what your into thats fine. I applaud you because I wish I could be a little more like you but I am not and that's what I learnt about myself in January. It's okay to be either way, just be comfortable with it and know your boundaries and limits because if you push them your just fucking with yourself and your anxiety isn't going to thank you.
So fuck it, I am rambling as always, none of this probably makes any fucking sense.
My anxiety led me to believe I was building a reputation for myself of being a hot mess, I mean I am a fucking crazy drunk, I am fun, I don't give a fuck but these bad decisions I was making for myself were not so fun. I'm all about honestly, I hate lying, especially to myself and I don't want to present a misrepresentation of myself. So in a rash decision I removed myself from social scenes, I stripped myself back from the social anxieties probed by social media and I began to try and figure out what was going to make me happy again. I mean it's early days but not feeling as though I have to post every fucking movement, thought, feeling on a status to connect with the world and feel valid is proving pretty fucking liberating so far. So Facebook, it's been emotional but to you, I vow, to never return.
Roll on February...
February 14th I'm ready for you.
I was sick as a dog and still caught up in the fucking messy whirlwind I created for myself in December.
I should of known better that boys most definitely kiss and tell and I really should of known better than to hook up with the guy I am totally intos friend and expect him to still be into me after. Jodie, this is going to leave you feeling terrible and all for a meaningless fuck you can't recall a single second of ... it's self sabotage. Learn from this and don't ever do it again. Regardless of whether the guy your in to remotely gives any sort of a fuck toward you. This year is about you so don't make yourself feel cheap, shitty and unwanted. It's unnecessary.
This is an issue I have actually debated with many a people. Is it okay for a guy/girl to sleep with someone else when they are clearly wasted to the point of blackout? (And you the infiltrator/the fucker has still got a pretty level head sat on their shoulders?) or does that make you an asshole?
After the event took place I was playing a bit of a victim in this role due to my depths of regret. I would have never have even raised this as an issue had my friend (who weirdly enough I called ((I don't recall this either)) mid make out session to tell him what a terrible thing I was about to do) hadn't highlighted how fucked up it was. Seeing as how I was so fucked up an all...
I am totally aware that this could read very wrong so let me make it very clear, I fully consented to this, I was aware of what was going on but I was super fucking faded and 'drunk' Jodie had full grasp of my personality. Drunk Jodie / Sober Jodie are two very very different people and the point I am trying to raise is - is it really okay to sleep with someone when they are totally fucked up? You get super drunk, you hook up with someone you really shouldn't have but it's so unsafe. Who are you actually fucking? If they aren't as fucked up as you are, are they taking advantage? Because on some level it isn't really them? Or is it totally fine? I don't know, it's weird, it's something I have never thought about. Maybe because I haven't been 'properly' single for over eight years I just don't get how it works anymore, maybe this 'hook up' culture I've found myself surrounded by is totally normal. As you gotta take something and learn from each situation you put yourself in I come to the conclusion of this ... hooking up with people in the same friendship group is going to make you feel slutty, like a bad person so just don't do it. The anxiety I personally riddled myself with as an aftermath of this event was just so not worth it, especially when I felt like I could fuck things up with this other guy ever looking at me in anyway other than I am a total slut. Even though I am not by any means at all and you know what even if that is what I am into why is that so terrible anyway? Fuck I hate this hook up culture and the politics around it.
This is any issue I have debated alot between friends recently. (I mean obviously fucking the guy your really intos friend is really not all that acceptable but let's take that out of the equation. N.B I was drunk, therefor it wasn't actually me, therefor I am not an asshole right? Right cool.) (I am a shitty drunk, I do take responsibility of that.)
So I became single (as I have probably stated fifty billion fucking times over the two posts I have published so far) for the first time in over eight years around August / September last year. This transition was totally foreign to me and you know I have had a hard time adjusting to it - it's only now March 17th, I can sit here and say hey you know what I am totally cool with myself. Well not totally but I am a million times more comfortable with myself than I ever have been. So yeah anyway...
My friends kinda convinced me to start dating. I kinda got involved with someone for a few weeks that was totally fucked up, made me loose my shit, started fucking up my life hard, my beloved Sunday fundays became less fun and Mondays began to remind me of what an asshole I was becoming. Or maybe it was just highlighting what an asshole I am, whatever. It sucked it wasn't fun. It was also super fucking sucky when he dropped me from great heights (also something I was not used to) but I was assured this was all fine and so I began dating again.
After my first failed attempt of seeing someone my friends gave me a bit of a talking to. See despite having my ice queen exterior once you break me down I am super fucking romantic. I remember talking to my friend about my ex telling him I would rather lay dow in front of a train and die than be without him (one thing you'll get to know about me from reading my posts is that I am super fucking dramatic, it's fun, I love it, sometimes.) And he laughed telling me that was some Amy Winehouse kinda shit but yeah that's kinda how I get when I am in love. That's kinda how I am, none of this 'Hey, I can take it or leave it shit' (N.B friends if your reading this shhh. You know. You just know).
Anyway fuck, I am forever going off on a million tangents, sorry this is my brain and putting pen to paper maybe hard to follow so for this and any future posts, all apologies.
So my friends are telling me you know it's cool to hook up with guys, one night stands are no biggie, honestly everybodies doing it. Straight away in my mind alarm bells are ringing, see I am not the type to fuck and chuck, I like to be seeing someone you know? At least a little committed. I am also not one to follow the crowd, I really don't give a fuck if everyone is doing it, it just ain't my bag.
So guess what? Naturally I became a sheep, I followed the crowd, I did it, well at least I gave it ago and it made me feel fucking terrible. A couple of my friends kinda do this regularly and hats off to them, I am kinda envious you know, they fuck and chuck almost immediately. I gave it ago and ended up a nervous wreck biting my nails, wondering why they never text, forgetting the fact I refused to take down their number. But if that's what your into thats fine. I applaud you because I wish I could be a little more like you but I am not and that's what I learnt about myself in January. It's okay to be either way, just be comfortable with it and know your boundaries and limits because if you push them your just fucking with yourself and your anxiety isn't going to thank you.
So fuck it, I am rambling as always, none of this probably makes any fucking sense.
My anxiety led me to believe I was building a reputation for myself of being a hot mess, I mean I am a fucking crazy drunk, I am fun, I don't give a fuck but these bad decisions I was making for myself were not so fun. I'm all about honestly, I hate lying, especially to myself and I don't want to present a misrepresentation of myself. So in a rash decision I removed myself from social scenes, I stripped myself back from the social anxieties probed by social media and I began to try and figure out what was going to make me happy again. I mean it's early days but not feeling as though I have to post every fucking movement, thought, feeling on a status to connect with the world and feel valid is proving pretty fucking liberating so far. So Facebook, it's been emotional but to you, I vow, to never return.
Roll on February...
February 14th I'm ready for you.