THE LAST TWO MONTHS.
This post is kinda backwards but as the pre-departure post is late in itself it leaves the rest of the set up to be pretty self explanatory. So I originally intended this so go out before I left but as predicted I went on a ridiculously big bender and left everything to the very last minute including the packing, including the visa, including that last ridiculous bag, including that last feeling of hopelessness washed down with that last Valium but as unpredicted I am here. Both feet stepped on to my everlasting Emirates flight and 26 hours later I landed in Accra.
So I am going to rewind the last two months which will set president for how I’ve lived my last few years of my miserable, self loathing, middle class, pathetic, self pitying life. My then boyfriend and I had an incredible fight, it’s funny because when I stepped off the train I had this gut feeling I should of gone home and I was right. If I had there is every possibility we would still be together, which I am unsure right now makes me sad or not. We washed down our anxieties with copious amounts of White wine - which by the way makes me absolutely bat shit crazy and to this day I haven’t dropped a sweet beautiful drop (how I miss you but please never return to me) and resulted in almighty fights. I won’t go in to detail as it’s private and I respect his privacy too but bloody GG shirts, cracked heads and smashed i-Macs were in the line up ... you get the idea. I told you White wine is not my friend, I’ll keep the ambiguity there to imagine what you will. Anyhow a short time after I was promised this would be worked through because we were in love with one another. A week later I received a phone call shouting at me allowing me to feel as though this was all my fault and that was it I was left heart broken and confused. How does somebody you’ve given so much time to and thrown all your love at just give up and you, walk away from you just like that ... the answer is abundantly clear and I know it now. It is simply because they were never in love with you to begin with. So roll on the past two months, I just fucking lost it, I needed to loose my mind and roll on the binge. I can’t say it wasn’t fun, it was, so much fun, I met some absolutely incredible people the past two months and I’ve partied harder, eaten less and ruined my nose more than I ever have before. I also no longer felt depressed or anxious, I quite genuinely started feeling happy albeit sad and still confused in intervals. I guess that was just an over riding sense of being hurt and realising the past year of your life has been a total lie, a daydream I let myself run away with.
Theres a line in Baz Luhrmans sunscreen song that tells you ‘to not be reckless with peoples hearts and don’t let people be reckless with yours’ or something of sorts ... At first I thought I would script this post like an insufferable Daily Mail reporter demanding hate on every word written on the subject matter albeit true or not. I wanted nothing more to expose his demons, his addictions, his lack of respect for me and give back some of that hurt. Then I remembered those words and though he had been reckless with my heart, I chose to forgive him and in fact though he may never know it, help him.
Before leaving my initial reaction was I needed to do this to allow us space to find our way back to one another. There I was again making this about him, about a boy, about an unequal love, about a paradox dream state not realising this is about me and fighting my demons and as scared as I may be about being alone, I need to do it.
Before I felt as though I was in the terminal stage of some wasting disease, love and obsession had me harried and desperate. Learning to let things be and at peace in ones presence is the journey I am looking to embark ...
I’ve questioned myself a million times about this because it is so personal, its unapologetic and it’s raw but those I am driven by and at times idolise live by this and execute their art this way and it’s how I have always lived my life and i intend to carry it on this way.
So I am going to rewind the last two months which will set president for how I’ve lived my last few years of my miserable, self loathing, middle class, pathetic, self pitying life. My then boyfriend and I had an incredible fight, it’s funny because when I stepped off the train I had this gut feeling I should of gone home and I was right. If I had there is every possibility we would still be together, which I am unsure right now makes me sad or not. We washed down our anxieties with copious amounts of White wine - which by the way makes me absolutely bat shit crazy and to this day I haven’t dropped a sweet beautiful drop (how I miss you but please never return to me) and resulted in almighty fights. I won’t go in to detail as it’s private and I respect his privacy too but bloody GG shirts, cracked heads and smashed i-Macs were in the line up ... you get the idea. I told you White wine is not my friend, I’ll keep the ambiguity there to imagine what you will. Anyhow a short time after I was promised this would be worked through because we were in love with one another. A week later I received a phone call shouting at me allowing me to feel as though this was all my fault and that was it I was left heart broken and confused. How does somebody you’ve given so much time to and thrown all your love at just give up and you, walk away from you just like that ... the answer is abundantly clear and I know it now. It is simply because they were never in love with you to begin with. So roll on the past two months, I just fucking lost it, I needed to loose my mind and roll on the binge. I can’t say it wasn’t fun, it was, so much fun, I met some absolutely incredible people the past two months and I’ve partied harder, eaten less and ruined my nose more than I ever have before. I also no longer felt depressed or anxious, I quite genuinely started feeling happy albeit sad and still confused in intervals. I guess that was just an over riding sense of being hurt and realising the past year of your life has been a total lie, a daydream I let myself run away with.
Theres a line in Baz Luhrmans sunscreen song that tells you ‘to not be reckless with peoples hearts and don’t let people be reckless with yours’ or something of sorts ... At first I thought I would script this post like an insufferable Daily Mail reporter demanding hate on every word written on the subject matter albeit true or not. I wanted nothing more to expose his demons, his addictions, his lack of respect for me and give back some of that hurt. Then I remembered those words and though he had been reckless with my heart, I chose to forgive him and in fact though he may never know it, help him.
Before leaving my initial reaction was I needed to do this to allow us space to find our way back to one another. There I was again making this about him, about a boy, about an unequal love, about a paradox dream state not realising this is about me and fighting my demons and as scared as I may be about being alone, I need to do it.
Before I felt as though I was in the terminal stage of some wasting disease, love and obsession had me harried and desperate. Learning to let things be and at peace in ones presence is the journey I am looking to embark ...
I’ve questioned myself a million times about this because it is so personal, its unapologetic and it’s raw but those I am driven by and at times idolise live by this and execute their art this way and it’s how I have always lived my life and i intend to carry it on this way.