TURNING TWENTY SIX AND READJUSTING TO LIFE BACK 'HOME'.
I stopped writing for a while. My words are brash, brutal, they are real, they are raw. And I guess it’s easier to be judged at arms length, fronted with an uproar of CAPS LOCK behind a computer screen, rather than face to face, right there on your door step. Today a dear friend told me how much he hated himself, how every day he woke up wanting to die, I told him my thoughts were mirrored with his but they were thoughts I want no more. Adjustments to being back home haven’t been easy, the guy I so solemnly swear I am in love with visited just before he took his own departure and confided he still loved me but then disappeared again. I am left with a loss, as I always was and I want him so bad, though I am coming to terms with the fact that may no longer be right. And everything is so fast passed here, so urgent, so instant, that everything is starting to feel irrelevant. That every inch of my bones longs to be back in Africa. Where time is slow. Sleeping is praised. Things happen as they do and situations occur or they don’t. Nothing is too forced. But here, if you are not doing a million things at once you are seen as a failure. I am living back at home with my parents. I am a failure by design. But for the first time in forever I am confortable with my situation, I have come to fall in love with my newfound hometown. In full glory. And no I will not situate myself here forever. Not by a long shot. But for now, for my growth, for my happiness and to keep me present, it will do just fine. I am lonely. Yes. Do I want him? Yes. But I am happy to grow and breathe in my own skin and it has taken me a long time to be okay with that. If we are meant to be, I have every faith he will find his way back to me.
I have also had to remove myself largely from my usual social group. This does not help to the added pressure of loneliness. Though I am forever greatful in the fact I have some absolutely incredible people in my life. More than I can count on both hands and for that I feel incredibly blessed. I was always told as a child you were lucky if you could count your true friends on one hand but I can honestly say in my case fingers and toes can be included in my count. I can’t bash cocaine into my nasal cavities any longer, with the exception of a maybe night or two. I am not totally retired just yet. I cannot drink for more than two days in a row. I tried this over my birthday week and it lead to me having a break down that I would have reverted to almost five months ago. I have come a long way since then. I have no time for regression. As disappointed as I am in myself for my actions. I have no time to dwell. It may have also cost me his love for which I will forever regret but I also accept I have no control in the way in which his eyes receive me.
I have become a hermit to my studio. I breathe in the sweet Sussex air in intervals of documentary breaks and bleeding knuckles of tackling raw hides.
I fucking love my family – this reaches out to my extended family of finger and toe friends. I would rather hang out with them, than you, any god given day.
I am working harder now than I ever have. I have fallen trap to the English way of life and if I stop I will feel like a failure. So I work until I am physically exhausted and can push myself no more. I realise soon this motion will probably make me very sick.
For a while I was faced with the probing questions of why I wasn't reporting the guy who abused his position of power when I was away. For I have a voice and I can speak up for others who maybe do not have the strength to do so. This is something I plan to write about later but now please respect my decision, it is in the past. Time has moved on, as have I. No lives need to be shattered.
And finally I feel well enough to run. In fact I went for my first one just this morning. Maybe soon. Someday the purging will stop. But for now I will continue the battle of finding love within myself.
I guess for now it is time to take solitude in my loneliness. This is a time about personal growth and self-love. Learning not to loathe myself and hate my surroundings. And I wait. As I always do.
